Dear Stranger,

In my opinion, "You're female, right?" is not an acceptable ice-breaker. "Hello, how are you?" is a much better way to start a conversation, and will probably actually get a response from me.

Please forgive me if I don't answer you when you compliment my backpack. I know it's quite rude of me not to acknowledge your compliment, but please keep in mind that there are 7 of you, and 1 of me. I could see you pointing at me and giggling before you spoke, and in my experience, questions asked, or compliments given under these circumstances have generally had the sole purpose of getting me to speak so that you could decide my gender is, so forgive me if I just don't feel like humouring you. And if I did say "thank you", and you think that it is necessary to discuss my gender (without my input), I would kindly thank you to wait until I am out of earshot. It's just common courtesy.

"Are you gay?" is also not a great way to start a conversation. I fail to see how my hypothetical partner's junk is any of your business. When I refuse to answer your question, and I retain the right to not answer personal questions, please don't tell me that you can smell it on me. That is impolite. I know how I identify and you do not, unless I have informed you, which I hadn't. Also, this question is more difficult for me to answer than you may think. I cannot give you an answer that is clear without first knowing what assumptions you are making about my gender.

I don't care what you say, sexual orientation cannot be determined by hair length. My hair is short because I cut it recently, and has nothing to do with my hypothetical partner's junk, so please stop telling me that it does.

Please don't be offended when I refuse to tell you where I am staying. I have no obligation to tell you anything, and I am just trying to keep myself safe. You may be a kind person who means me no harm, but please remember that I am alone, in a country that I do not live in, in a small town where I do not know anyone, and no one knows where I am currently. Not to mention that when I leave this coffee shop, I have to walk 3 miles down a tiny, deserted road to get back to my hostel, and I don't know you, so I don't really want you to be able to follow me there, especially not after you just kept telling me that I "stink of gay".

I will have to politely decline your offer of accommodation, and while your offer of a room and breakfast for £5 is very generous, I do have a personal policy not to accept accommodation from people who accost me in public spaces. On that note, telling me that you "take it in the front, and in the back" and informing me that if I was any good, you would give me my £5 back is unsavory. I was unaware that sexual favours were part of the price of accommodation at your establishment. If that is the case, I will once again (because I have already declined your offer once) have to vehemently decline your offer, as I prefer to pay for my accommodation in cash.

Please do not touch me without my permission. I have personal boundaries, and I don't appreciate being touched without my consent.

Do not tell me that you are going to touch my breasts. I am the only person who gets to decide if anyone gets to touch my body. I don't appreciate my body being objectified as though I am not a person, and I don't like your sense of entitlement to my body. Also, if you'd bothered to look at me more closely, you may have noticed that I don't actually have breasts, but if I did, I wouldn't let you touch them.

Yes, I do have a boy's name. This may have something to do with the fact that I don't identify at all as a woman, so I would appreciate it if you didn't assume that I was one. Please keep in mind that not everyone who happens to have a gendered name identifies with the gender of their name either.
I do realise now that during our entire conversation that you held the (false) assumption that I am a woman. Please forgive me for not correcting your assumption, but I did not think that correcting you was a particularly safe course of action. Also, I would like you to note that I did not tell you I was a woman, you merely assumed that I was, and I cannot be held responsible for other people's assumptions about my identity.

If you run into me again, and wish to not offend me, please follow the simple guidelines that follow:

Please don't ask me what my former name may have been. That is none of your business. If you do ask, you will be politely be informed that I do not give out that information. Please don't press the matter further. I will not be bullied into divulging that information, and the only result of pestering me about my former name will be my irritation.

Please do not ask me what my genitals look like. For the record, when you ask me if I'm a "man or a woman" what you are actually interested in knowing is whether or not I have a penis. That is none of your business, and there is no reason for you to need to have this information. If you fancy me, but are worried about whether or not you will fancy my genitals, strike up a casual conversation with me, so that I may have a chance to decide whether I fancy you, do not just assume that I will fancy you. Also, I guarantee that if you start that casual conversation by asking about my genitals, I will not fancy you any longer (even if I had fancied you).
Groping my chest to feel for breasts that you cannot see is not an acceptable way to act in polite society. Not even if you try to (unsuccessfully) disguise it as a dance move.
If you are not sure which pronouns I use, and you think that you may need to discuss me with your friend while I am not present, you could politely inquire, "Do you have a pronoun preference?" If you had asked me that, I would have respectfully informed you of mine.

Please refrain from asking about my hypothetical partner's genitals. For reasons as to why this is uncouth, please see the above section about inquiring after my genitals. The reasons are the same. You may politely ask me how I identify, but this does not guarantee you an answer, as I reserve the right not to answer any question of a personal nature without any explanation.

If I do happen to inform you of my gender or sexual orientation, please do not argue with me. This is not up for discussion. Once I have informed you of my identity, the discussion is over. That being said, I will answer any sincere question asked in the spirit of educating oneself about the world one lives in (eg. What did you mean by "queer"?), however, I reserve the right not to answer any question without giving you an explanation as to why. Also, please do not look to my friend for confirmation of my identity. I am the authority on my identity, not my friend.

Please do not inform me of my identity, with or without reasons as to how you deduced it. I am not interested in what you think my identity is, as I already know how I identify. Also, I can guarantee that I have spent more time with myself than you have, and know myself better than you do, so I believe myself to be the greater authority on my own identity.

It is my hope that you may find this letter informative, and the guidelines useful as a way to keep from offending myself and others in the future.

Respectfully,


James

Looking

I used to spend what seemed like hours,
gazing in the mirror,
Looking
for my true self,
wondering if I was a “she” or a “he.”
Looking
for the boy I had found recently & knew was there,
hidden,
but just under the surface,
waiting to emerge.
Looking
for my male soul
and wondering how he would embody himself
in my female body.
Looking
for any signs I might be intersex,
so desperate I was for a biological explanation.
Looking
at each individual facial hair,
willing it to grow longer & darker,
getting frustrated with the mustache I knew was there,
but was clearly uncooperative & not growing in on schedule.
Looking
for any signs of femininity that would give me away.
(In hindsight, though, it was always my soprano voice
that always revealed my biological sex.)
Looking
for the man I was slowly becoming.

Now that I have a full beard
(thanks to the wonders of testosterone),
and I finally look like the man I was always meant to be,
I don’t spend hours pondering those things anymore.
Now when I look in the mirror,
I grin
and wonder who that handsome man with the gorgeous beard is,
and then I realize that it’s me.


Aran