Guest Author - What am I?

Foreword

Ginny got in touch with me, wanting to offer her insight on being the girlfriend of a transitioning FTM and how that affects her ID. She asked if her post could be included to help others who are in a similar situation.

Keltik


What am I? We all say that labels don't matter, but sometimes I think they still do. Everyone wants to know where they fit in, who they are, who their friends are, their community, their 'group'. I like to think that I know myself pretty well. I have really gotten to know my true self over the last three to four years. Turn your life around, flip everything upside down, and you'll have no choice. Seriously. I know who my friends are, and no matter what, I know they are there for me. I know my family supports anything and everything I set out to do as well. So... Why do I even ask such a question? Why would I wonder what I am?

I am many things... I am a mother. I am a sister. I am a daughter. I am a friend. I am an enemy. I am a hard-worker. I am a student. I am a California girl. I am a Colts fan. I am a horse trainer. I am a role model. I am a Princess. I am many things... but... Am I straight? Am I a lesbian? Am I bisexual?

I have always been straight, never really thought anything of it, I was just attracted to guys. Often very cocky, show off their manliness, look at these guns, kinda guys. Sure, I had kissed girls, but most girls do that, right? It wasn't until after my divorce, when I became very close with one of my girl friends that I began to question that. We used to joke that I had a girlfriend but the closer we got, the less of a joke it became. She was my first female partner and that, I knew, was not something that most girls do. It was fun, it was new, it was exciting. But it actually became very difficult as time went on because I felt that I was falling in love with a girl. I was confused because while I have nothing against lesbians, I had just never seen myself as one. It was like I didn't even know who I was anymore. I questioned myself and I questioned our relationship.

I had just gotten a divorce. I had ended an extremely unhealthy 5 1/2 year relationship. I was free to be myself, do what I wanted, and live life like I had always dreamed. It was just me and my baby girl now... But I, as a person, was growing more than I could ever imagine. All this potential awesomeness that had been trapped inside was free to fly. I was learning and coming to terms with issues that I had bottled inside. I was overcoming 5 1/2 years of abuse. I was healing from wounds I didn't even know existed. I didn't know how broken I really was. I was finally just getting to know myself. So with all that going on, it's no wonder I began to question myself and my new relationship.

But then, my friend told me that she was really a he. At first I was a little worried that it was because I had expressed my concerns and my own confusion, but after we talked more, I began to understand. At this point I really knew nothing about FTM, Trans, or hardly anything about the LGBT community in general. Ya, I knew some people who were gay, bi, or lesbian. I knew some people cross-dressed or even had sex-change operations, but knowing of it and actually being immersed in it are two different things! So, I researched it... a lot! I started with FTM, and continued on to educate myself about many parts of the LGBT community. It was strange for him because I began to accept his transition much faster than he was, even today he laughs that I am always one step ahead of him, lol.

He hasn't started the testosterone, and only sometimes binds. I know when we go out that some people see him as a female, making me appear as a lesbian, and still others see him as a male, making me appear straight. In the beginning, before I knew about the gender identity, I kinda got a kick out of people seeing us as lesbians. I even corrected people who said he instead of she. And yet, I still didn't see myself as a lesbian, or even bi. I still didn't think I was really attracted to girls, just this one... Even today, it is harder when people see him as a girl, but I realize that what bothers me is feeling him get upset. I could care less if some stranger sees me as lesbian or straight, but I know that he needs to be seen as a male on the outside.

Physical features do matter to a point in any relationship. I love this person, but am I allowed to love their physical body too? or Is that against the rules? If I am attracted to the body, then I must be attracted to girls, right? What if I'm not attracted to the new body at the end of the transition? I want to feel like I am physically attractive, especially to my significant other, so it's only right that I find them physically attractive as well, I think... Are you beginning to see my dilemma here? See where the confusion comes about? 90% of the time it doesn't matter at all, but there are times where it's a little awkward. Where I feel a little uneasy of how I should act. There are times where I am still confused. It's these times where I get frustrated with myself because I don't think it should matter, or I get upset because I wish it was one way or the other, or I just feel bad for not knowing what to think or how to feel.

I found someone that I love. That's all that should matter. It is definitely not always easy, but it's not always easy with any relationship whether straight or not. He has had to learn that his transition is affecting me too, yet we continue to work through it. I have learned a lot about myself through this process, and for that I am extremely grateful! I also know that I still have a lot to learn. I realize that at this moment in time, I may not fit into any of the labels, but that's ok because I don't like labels anyway, lol. Of course, I want things to work out with him and I, but even if for some reason they don't, I think things might be different for me in the dating world. Love really doesn't care about gender, race, religion, nothing... It's so much deeper than that.

So... What am I? ... I'm one of a kind. That's what I am.



Princess Ginny

Rambling

One day, the feeling of Deja Vu will come over me. The feeling I had when I was a kid. Running through the sprinklers in the park, shirtless. I felt free, alive and careless. No one was looking at me and gawking. People actually smiled at the little girl running around the sprinkler so happily. The cool, crisp water hitting my uncovered chest as I ran around the sprinkler in circles. I can't wait to feel that again.

As soon as I learned how to read and write, and think about all the "whys" in life, the main "why" was "why am I not a boy on the outside?". "Why do I look different than the rest of the boys?" and "Why was I in the wrong body". I would cry myself to sleep and pray that God change me into a boy by the time I wake up. I kept the faith that God would hear me one day. My faith didn't last beyond the day my chest grew and Mom told me I had to put a shirt on while playing outside. I was very confused about everything, and felt so trapped, so young.

My whole life was ahead of me, but everything about me was going wrong. My Mom wanted to do my hair in different styles, poofy and big, tons of Aquanet and barbie pins. I knew my Mom meant well, but I dreaded waking up and despised going outside. I didn't look like any other girl I knew. What the hell was I?

I grew up in a quiet house, with an Old-school father and very caring but very concientious Mother. While my parents would get me the toys I wanted, G.I. Joe's, He-Man, Ninja Turtles and Matchbox Cars, let me play in the dirt with worms, wear what I wanted, it never dawned on them that I was different and unhappy. I was happy with my toys and playtime, but I felt naked, alone, scared and trapped every day of my life. I envied boys that wanted to play with me when I was outside. I usually beat them up instead or got my Dad to get rid of them for me so I could be alone. I wanted nothing to do with them, but nothing more than to "be" one of them



Chris Trapani

What Dreams May Come

Sometimes I do get to go to sleep. And once I finally get to dreamland, sometimes it scares me. A dream came to visit last night. Turn on the sound folks, and dim the lights. Leeroy's life is now on stage.

Curtains open on Leeroy's idyllic family; an alcoholic and emotionally irresponsible father with the likeness of Barney Rubble. Eyes pan to Leeroy's mother, a semi-bi-polar woman that seems restrained. She colours her hair black to seem young and New York. Close up on adopted Leeroy; a punk with facial and ear piercings, fresh cuttings, an attitude and a cigarette always in his mouth. So Queer children alternate his pronouns mid-sentence. He is gendered unlike any they have ever known.

Dinner's meatloaf is just being cut! How delicious! Father expresses joy at warm meal, Mother complains of the slaving it took to mash dead animals into a tin and slathering it with pulverized tomatoes. Leeroy's eyes roll as he serves himself of the unnecessary killing of living beings. Its better than listening to your Mother picking your self-esteem apart, blue lego by blue lego.
Leeroy loads his spoon, ferries its bloody contents and deposits it for processing. The cascade ensues. Why is there a sock in the living room? Why aren't you in school? Why aren't you working??

I can't even look at her. Why don't you show me you love me? I would tell you that I am transgendered, that I am a man, if you would only let me trust you. Its just that simple.

[picture fades to black]

Dinner ensues the day following meatloaf day. Father is drunk already, Mother has no clue and is blissfully unaware that she's missing out on something better. Garbage doesn't speak at the dinner table. Dinner ends. Leeroy has said nothing.

Father goes out to do a delivery. Leeroy returns to the main house, and finds Mother, sitting hunched at the computer screen. Leeroy lays his hand on her shoulder. He whispers in the most earnest voice he can muster... "I'm a boy Mother... which upsets you more: me being a man or me wanting to dominate a man?" Leeroy would slip back out the door before Mother's jaw sank to the floor.

What dreams may come is right. Don't some dreams ever become reality?



Leeroy

I Remember

I remember, as a child wanting to play topless with my brother and his friend. It was a hot summer day, they were topless, so I wanted to be too. I remember my mother stopping me and making me put on a bodywarmer. When I protested this, she told me that ‘girls don’t go around without their tops on’, I must have been around 7 years old.

I remember, when my aunt was getting married, she had a daughter, my cousin, who was around the same age as me. My cousin was going to be a bridesmaid at the wedding, I was invited to be a bridesmaid too. I can remember my aunt asking me, I said no. My mother responded with something like ‘ofcourse you do’, and told my aunt that I’d do it. I had to wear a terrible pink dress, it was itchy and stupid and I didn’t like it. Looking back at the pictures, I looked very pretty in it, but I didn’t want to be pretty, I wanted to wear a bow tie like my brother. I remember agreeing to wear the dress if I could change into my jeans later. Later came and I wasn’t allowed to change.

I remember, hogmany at my gran’s house, she always had a party, the family would all be there. I was made to wear this awful grey and black dress, I hated it, really really hated it. I remember asking my mother over and over again if I could get changed out of it, to tie my hair back. She kept saying no, I remember being so upset, I wanted to enjoy the party but I felt so uncomfortable in that dress.

I remember, as a child, asking my mother to cut my hair short like her’s. She had a new hairstyle, a very short cut, still feminine, but very short none the less. I remember asking for a similar haircut and her cutting my hair into some terrible bob, nothing like the style I had asked for. This trend would continue for the next 20+ years.

I remember all these little things, all these little things which you’ve forgotten. All these little cuts, they’re still bleeding.



Keltik

Love

When you came into my life it opened my heart
I didn't know I was looking for you from the start
With a smile from your eyes and a kiss from your lips
You knew just how to make my heart do flips
You didnt make it hard to fall in love
To tell you the truth my love for you fit like a glove
It makes me so happy to see you near me
Your love never faltered even on the day I said baby please call me HE
I know one day we will take our vows and say I do
I'll stand up there and tell everyone how you are the best girl ever knew
It will make me so happy to call you my wife
I know you will be with me my whole life


Korey Conley