Wake Up

A time to be arrested amongst your peers
They hold the troubles and the horrific fears
At which we strive to release
Into the unknown so they will decease
But what happens after letting them go
Only time will surely know
Our true nature will reveal
Our secret thoughts we so like to conceal
The words we all like to hide
That fill us up with deafening pride
We'll take our advice into our own hands
Raise our banners into the crowded stands
With rawrs all around the sorrow ears
How could this go on for so many years
Not saved by a being from the unknown
Our desires and feelings are now shown
For the world to see, we're on the edge
Saluting to something, repeating our pledge
But what does it really mean
If our scars are ripped at the seams
Will it satisfy ourselves, and make us proud
Will anyone stand up and scream out loud
That this is not what we are meant to do
Excuses, excuses, that we make up to you
By the power in me, I pronounce us lost
And theres nothing we can do to spare the cost
With us doing this, what really happens
In the end, that our love sends
A message amongst the others who do not believe
The lost who only wish to acheive
With hopes and wishes and lies at our hearts
Nothing else can matter when that movie starts
Can we reach the end already
I think it's time, I'm holding steady
Please give me the piece I am missing
Does the friend turn against him, in a slow hissing
Do they capture the man who stole her will
To live on this earth, until he claims the kill
Will the ambulance arive just in time
To save me from the distant chime
Of the angry crowd screaming my name
Nothing will ever be the same
I will wake from this terrible dream
And my whole life will seem
Real



Brandon

Late Night Ramblings

The names Brandon
I came across this blog by typing "Trans blogs" into Google. Magical huh?
I needed it though, I needed this.
As I was reading through all of your posts, I was nodding the whole time.
Finally the people who understand.

I'm a youngin'
Only 18 years old.
I discovered 3 months ago that I'm a Transgendered male
Have I come out? Yes, as gay, not as trans
I haven't started transitioning
But do I have storys? Pleanty

When I had dreams, I was always a male
You'd think it would've clicked then
But it never did
Being the nerd I am, I played an online game
and still play it to this day
You get to choose a character, male or female
I was 15 when I started playing
I chose a male character

These 3 years of playing that game
have been the best of my life
I got to be who I was inside
I was incredibly comfortable
More comfortable then I have ever been
Only recently have I told people who I really was
It went over well with some
But I have lost a few friends

My only thoughts right now are
What do I do next?
I don't know any other trans men personally
Hell, I dont even have a lot of Lesbian or Gay friends

I have to tell my family
I know I do
If I don't, I know I shall self destruct soon

I know I'm not alone, but why does it feel that way?
I walk out the door and people stare
I dont look them in the eyes
I'm afraid of what they might see

They dont talk to me though, they dont say anything
About my short hair, and guy cloths
I suppose I look like someone they dont want to mess with
Or so I've been told by others

People are afraid of what they dont understand
Hateing is easier
Than trying to see it from my point of view
But I guess no one will ever truly understand me
Unless he's another trans man

My family doesn't see me when I wince at the word "she"
They've said nothing about me cutting my hair off
I've always been a "tom boy" so the cloths weren't new
My mom doesn't notice that I've stopped shaving my legs
She just doesn't look, really look

I need someone to talk to
I think that will stop these horrible thoughts
That fill my mind at night
Only at night

It's late, and its about time I try to sleep
I will most likely fail though

You will hear from me again
Rambling on about my feelings
I just hope I'm still alive by then
I just hope I survive this

Thank you for reading



Brandon

Living Undercover

I’ve just watched a documentary called ‘Deliver Us From Evil’, about pedophilia in the catholic church. The film mostly concentrated on the victims of one particular preist, the preist himself spoke about the abuse quite openly, but the church refused to contribute.

But it was really giving a platform to the victims, allowing them to talk about how something that had happened at an early age had affected their whole life. One woman talked about how her father couldn’t walk her down the aisle (he had denounced the church), she wasn’t married and that she had not become a mother, at almost 40 years old. That this dark cloud had been hanging over her since the abuse started around age 5.

Watching her struggle to keep her composure as she told her story, I felt nothing but sympathy for her. She hadn’t chosen to be a victim of this man. She had done nothing wrong, nothing to deserve this ‘life sentence’. I sympathised with her and her struggle.

Then I came to realise, it was empathy, not sympathy I was feeling. Being transgendered or a transsexual, there is this big dark cloud hanging over head. It affects every part of day to day life. We didn’t choose this, we didn’t do anything wrong, we didn’t deserve this ‘life sentence’. But do we get the same reaction from society as a whole? Do we get the same sympathetic feeling as these victims of abuse? Or do trans people often end up as victims of abuse because of our situation?

Y’know, I read the book ‘Donnie Brasco’, about the undercover cop who infiltrated the mob. He talked about how difficult it was to be effectively ‘living a lie’, how he needed a break, to come home and be himself again, to see his family. The stress of being constantly ‘on’, of having to be constantly aware of not slipping up, of not allowing a natural reaction to slip through that might give him away. The police have intensive counselling for these guys when their part in the investigation is over, it’s a hard thing to do, to live a lie, to face serious repercussions should you be caught out. To be someone you’re not 24/7.

Do I need to point out the startlingly obvious parallels here?

Keltik